Ok. I have a proposal. But, before I get to that, you need to know some facts. I have written about three-year-olds in the past. I was so naïve. I’d barely begun this arduous age with one three-year-old. I thought that was tough. HA!

Because of the results of our family planning—or lack thereof—i.e. having two children 13.5 months apart, I have now been dealing with three-year-olds for a semi-solid 15 months. If you do the math, that means I have approximately nine more months of three-year-olds. Then I have a brief reprieve of one year until Jack turns three.

So believe me when I say, I’m done. Stick a fork in me, I can’t. Oliver causes such a bipolar mix of emotions in me, I feel like I’d actually qualify for an official diagnosis. He is so sweet one second, makes me crack up, and then he’s a metaphorical devil the next. Either that or he is actually a minion of Satan.

The Proposal

I think that parents and children alike would benefit from a program specifically designed to condition three-year-olds in the ways of life. The program would teach them how to deal with their emotions, control their reactions, and generally learn how not to be turds.

The program could be intensive week-long ten-hour days—with naps, lest you think this sounds barbaric—or parents could sign them up for the program’s boarding school. The boarding school would be an even more intensive option, reserved for the worst-case three-year-olds.

See Also: Preparing for Two Under Two

The Classes

How to Accept a Meal on the First Offering

How to NOT Freak Out if You Have to Drink Out of the Blue Cup

What to Do When Your Favorite Toy Was Left at Grandma’s

Coping with the Loss of a Stuffed Animal

Why Stacking Chairs to Reach the Cookies is NOT a Good Idea

Avoiding Announcing What Number Your Mom is Preforming on the Potty in Public Restrooms

I think these classes would one hundred percent benefit my three-year-old. The above list is just a sampling of what this program would offer. I can think of countless other moms of three-year-olds that would jump at the opportunity to brainwash—um, I mean condition—no, teach their three-year-old how to behave in society.

Plus, think of the gold-mine such a business would be! There would be moms lining up from across the country to sign their little devils up for these classes!

The only downside is, who would run it? Who in their right mind would want to teach these little spawns of—I mean angels? I sure as hell don’t.