I know you think bathing a baby is scary. We’ve all been there. But it doesn’t have to be! If you follow these easy steps, you’ll be a baby-bathing pro in no time.

Step 1:

Fill the tub. (For my purposes I am speaking of a conventional bathtub.) Place baby’s chair in tub.

Step 2:

Check the water before you put baby in. Realize it’s too hot. Add cold water. Walk away and do something else and forget you added cold water. Return to an almost overflowing tub of coldish water. Drain the tub and repeat steps 1 and 2 until you reach desired temperature.

Step 3:

When desired temperature is reached, bring baby to the tub. Allow baby to splash. Provide a variety of bath toys which your baby will ignore. Wear goggles and a raincoat if you don’t want to get wet.

Step 4:

Yell for someone to bring you a washcloth. Babies might seem like they can’t get anywhere, but never leave them unattended. If you’re not ready for the washing portion of the bath, use the wet, warm washcloth as a steamy blanket to keep baby warm.

Step 5:

When you’re ready for the washing portion of the bath to commence, pour way too much baby shampoo into your hand. Attempt to put back in the bottle. Realize it’s futile and begin washing baby. Start with the head and get a good lather. Rinse the head by tilting the head back and using your hand to shield baby’s face. Repeat this indefinitely as you used way too much shampoo.

Step 6:

Pour more shampoo into your hand or washcloth. Use to scrub baby’s arms, legs and trunk. Pay special attention to the area usually covered by a diaper.

Step 7:

Rinse the baby with clean water. Use a cup or small pitcher. Never submerse your baby completely in the water. All trust between you and your baby will be compromised. Also you might drown him.

Step 8:

Yell for someone to bring you a towel. You were really unprepared for this bath.

Step 9:

Grasp baby beneath armpits and lift from tub. Baby will be extremely slippery so use caution. It’s scientific fact that babies secrete an enzyme during bath time to make them extra slippery (this is probably not scientific fact).

Step 10:

Wrap baby in towel and pat to dry. Do not vigorously rub baby with towel as if you’re drying your soaking wet dog. Baby will NOT appreciate that.

Step 11:

Be quick to affix baby’s diaper. If you forget this step you’ll have to repeat steps 1-10.

Step 12:

Gently rub lotion onto baby’s skin. Use any baby lotion if your baby’s skin is normal. If you have lizard children like I do, use Cetaphil or Aveeno For Sensitive Skin.

Step 13:

Dress baby in preferred outfit or sleeper.

Step 14:

Snuggle your sweet smelling baby as long as you can.
There you are. In 14 easy steps you have a sparkling clean, sweet smelling bundle of joy.